Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Seagal Fans Against 'Against the Dark' Vampire Film

What is the opposite of Bravo? (Insert answer here).

Steven Seagal brings us a vampire slasher film that has more holes than Swiss cheese--and I'm not talking about puncture wounds. Disjointed action sequences, nonsensical character development, minimalist and repetitive dialogue, as well as illogical plot advancement will make every viewer wish they'd rented the vampire movie that sat next to this one on the Blockbuster shelf.

I'm a Seagal fan--a HUGE one--so I trusted New Orleans Reserve Chief Deputy Sheriff Seagal to bring me some entertainment this fine evening. After all, he not only starred in the show, but produced it as well. But, to my sad chagrin, our `star' had maybe sixty seconds of face time the first 60 minutes of the movie. Later, the last thirty agonizing ticks of the clock, we saw him more often, but he was forced (by the script I hope) to deliver the same lines over and over.

Uttered at least four times each: "Make a clean sweep of the place." and "Let's go."

Fifty minutes in, he told us his name.
Little girl, Charlie: "Who are you?"
Seagal, "My name is Tao."
End scene.

The dialogue gods were no better to the protagonist Dorothy. She was forced to say ridiculous things like, "all these hallways lead to the same place..." and "all these tunnels lead to the same place..." (which I found incredibly odd unless the building was round, which according to the many aerial shots, it was not.)

And on and on.

Vampire fans, a word for you. There was a ton of neck-biting in this film, but you also have to put up with zombies-eating-flesh sequences (equipped with up close shots of intestines-for-dinner more than a dozen times) which are not sexy at all. In fact none of the vampire shots are even the least bit alluring. The vampires are actually simply mutants that fell victim to a virus that plagued the entire globe (I am Legend, anyone?). This movie will thrill those people who like bloody, gory, dripping-red internal organs zombie movies, not those who enjoy Twilight, The Lost Boys or Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula.

The obviously generous with his time Keith David stopped over for the afternoon to shoot his few scenes. He played a hard-nosed military general of uncertain personality and conviction who was forced to utter silly and trite lines throughout the show. And his decisions made no sense (which fit right in to the rest of the movie, now that I mention it). The director cut David's scenes into the rest of the vampire-hunting footage in such a way hoping to build suspense but unfortunately they all came off irritating and distracting to the flow of the film. (There was a flow???)

Long story short (too late), Against the Dark was only pretending to be a movie. It's really just a video game that you cannot stop playing until you get every last survivor and hunter out of the hospital. So crack your knuckles and grab up your game controller. We gots us some vampire's to chop up! Whoo-hoo!

My the movie. Just don't expect too much.

Ellen C Maze, author Rabbit: Chasing Beth Rider
24 5-Star Reviews the first 10 weeks. A Brand New Look at the Vampire Mythos!

No comments:

Post a Comment